01:34   11/10/2020

To my dear Swee…

Even though I’ve been aware of this, in a sense, I haven’t been letting my self be natural. As in, I’ve been remaining indifferent to my spontaneous emotions. Sure, I’ve been letting motivations guide most of my daily actions. But the most natural and purest of emotions, I’ve been deterring those. Lately.

Likely because of one main factor I’m clearly aware of. The fact that I’m vulnerable. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritual. Not physically though. You know a man is always gon be tough! But in every other aspect, I am vulnerable. And there are certain clues in life that are making me sure of this state. The fact that I only choose to be around folk that I deeply trust is one. I’m truly not ready to build any new relationships. The thought of that frightens me, lest I be abandoned once again. I can’t help but feel that way. I was abandoned by the one whom I trusted the most. And don’t worry if you don’t remember what I’m talking about, my darling. Those details don’t matter anymore.

It leaves me wondering as to why I’m not as colourful as I thought I was

Another sign of my obvious vulnerability is the fact that I’m more quiet nowadays. Everyone has noticed it. Even I’ve noticed it. I don’t bring the same energy to the table that I normally bring. It leaves me wondering as to why I’m not as colourful as I thought I was.

But this quiet runs deeper than just my lack of social energy. I’ve noticed that I’ve been closing myself off from affection. No matter how much I want to express my feelings, I always end up preventing myself from showing affection. I find it has been dulling some of my companionships. Some, who are dear to me, leave a big opening for me to show my affection. But sadly, all I do is ignore it and play indifferent. A sister even pointed out one time when I was behaving as such. She told me if I wanted to talk, or just spend time with her or the others, that I just had to visit whenever I felt like it. You know what I told her? I told her that I would be fine, and that I’m used to doing everything on my own. Lucky for me, she got angry and scolded me for that. She said that I was being ungrateful to the folk that wanted to be there for me. And that I should have at least said ‘Thank you’. At first I was confused as to why she was so angry at me. I thought I was being polite by not bothering everybody and not giving them anything to worry about. I thought I was being good by being independent. That’s when she told me that she was upset that I didn’t want to open up, and that I was just closing myself off from everybody.

I noticed that I’m quite silent and still, no matter how much I don’t want to be. That must be awful to be around.

That happened several months ago. And at that time, I did open up more. But I think only for that night. Because, in a sense, I can feel that I’m still closed. I feel it a lot when I’m with Lilly. I always remember that I could always be affectionate with her, whenever I felt like it. But nowadays I can’t. Whenever I’m around her, I’m as dull as a stone. I don’t know how she’s taking it. I don’t know if it’s discouraging her from spending time with me. I wouldn’t blame her. I noticed that I’m quite silent and still, no matter how much I don’t want to be. That must be awful to be around. I’m grateful she still tries to spend time with me. I really need it. I think she’s being patient with me, since she knows that I’m not usually like this. That makes me ashamed. It’s not the proudest of feelings to receive pity. But if this is the case, I’m grateful she’s trying. Because I’m really trying to open up myself to the worlds. Well, I’d love to. It would make my dance so much more fun. And my life so much more colourful.

Is my writing dull nowadays, my darling? I bet it is. I need to change that! I know this letter is dull. I don’t want to be dull. But first of all, I don’t want my heart to feel broken anymore. I just want to live, naturally. Not closed. So that whenever I dance, it’s free, flowy, and honest.

Love from yours truly,

-Daniel Roy