22:17   12//11/2020

To my dear Sweet…

I need to ask you, my darling, a dire question. Can you please stop haunting me in my sleep? I already get so little of that sweet slumber. Must the little I get tease me into a fantasy that will never come to be? That’s what hurts the most. They are dreams I know I should put little hope into. Hope. That’s what dreams can be. Can’t they. And now I know what a fool I really am. I still dream. I still hope. No matter how foolish I know it is.

My dreams of this morning. I can still feel them. The comfort they placed in my heart. The warmth they placed in my soul. My spirit is still convinced that I was blessed by your grace. And what’s worse is that even though logic does not fail to explain that these dreams are no true reality, my entirety still wishes to believe otherwise. My body wishes to believe these dreams are an ethereal message beyond its physical understanding. My mind wishes to believe these dreams are a hint of what is to become. My soul wishes to believe these dreams are proof that there is still a divine link between the both of us, and that you too, my darling, dreamt them as I did. How wonderful it is to clasp this sense of hope. Oh, how it fuels this fading fire within me. But I’ve walked these lands for countless centuries, my darling. And I know the torment of such fantasies.

So long as I kept my eyes shut.

In these dreams, you would sometimes appear, just as you did this morning, my darling. And I would be a man, and never entertain the possibility that we could harmonize again. Because even in the dream worlds, I was aware of the ache that would come from daring to dance in those ideas. And yet, this morning, I found you by my side. So long as I kept my eyes shut.

In the dream worlds, we were somewhere with others. I don’t remember where or who, as is usually the case of dreams. But the next thing I knew, we were talking. Talking as if it were so ordinary a thing. Talking as if there was nothing obstructive between us. Do you remember when we would talk like that, my darling? That’s only ever been the way I’ve ever tried to exist around you. I never ever wanted external forces to get in our way. I always believed our dance should have only been between us, exclusive of anything else that directed otherwise. I guess I failed on my side of the pact. I always bear that responsibility now. But here in the dream worlds, it was as if me bearing the weight of that crime was understandable, and that it was no longer a barricade on my end. Nor was anything else on my side.

Trusted partners of adventure. With no place we couldn’t go.

Next, we were riding within the carriage. You wanted us to go somewhere. I don’t remember that detail either. But it wasn’t important. I just remembered the feeling that we were heading somewhere together again. Trusted partners of adventure. With no place we couldn’t go. The worlds were our oysters. Eww! Oysters…

You were telling me how you still had trouble getting your driver to smoothly pick up speed. That you had to remind your driver to gradually encourage the beasts to ride faster and faster, and not just suddenly whip them into charge. I remembered that trouble back then. Some of our carriage guests used to get bothered by that, while others just never spoke up about it. As you pointed this out in the dream worlds, I was reminded that I found the solution to that issue. I then suggested to you that I knew where we could get your deriver trained and well equipped to ride more smoothly. It was a place a friend had shown me.

I then noticed your carriage was a different carriage all together. You told me your father took your old carriage away. I told you that if you wanted to feel a similar ride to your old one next time, that I could have easily organized that ride for you.

The next thing I remembered was that we were now at your keep. And everyone who was with us, I don’t remember who, had also come along. That’s when I saw your mother. I did the respectful thing and offered her my greetings. I said “Hello, Mummy!” But as soon as she noticed that it was me, she grew upset and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. That really hurt me. That she reacted that way. But I wasn’t surprised at her reaction. If anything, I expected it. She had every right to feel that way. And with my lack of welcome, I walked away.

Before I could walk outside, your mother called out and told me to talk to her for a moment. She called out in that “Heeyy Dahling” way she always did. Fuck! That nostalgia really hurts me right now. I need a moment. But look, I know I have no right to dwell on such thoughts. It just aches that even the memory of your mother is so vivid. My soul recognized exactly who I was talking to in the dream worlds. And it recognized that your mother never ever wanted to make anybody feel bad. The sweet woman. She had me sit with her.

My soul recognized exactly who I was talking to in the dream worlds.

I can’t remember the words of our talk. But I remember the ideas of the content, and the ways it all made me feel. It made me feel guilt. Sorrow. Apologetic. Motivated. Determined. Dutiful. Accepted. That last emotion made the dream seem truly untrue. Back here, in the physical world. Because the real man in me knows that that acceptance is definitely not true. And that that dream is a world I should never go back to, so long as I wish to be sane and responsible. Don’t get angry at me for mentioning that feeling of mine, my darling. I know it was all a dream. And I know that it is foolish to even fancy such an outlandish thought. Maybe once I’ve taken my first step onto the road of atonement, may I even be allowed to just remember such a detail of a wild dream. But until then…

The talk between your mother and I started with how she and your father were aware of everything happening. How they didn’t like me anymore. But how they understood the troubles that you and I struggled with. How things weren’t meant to be. How your mother hoped that I’d do well with the rest of my days. How she saw good things in me. I think I got the sense that now I was no longer part of all your lives she could then just give me her blessings as an elder. A polite respite of someone finally seeing you off. That ‘you’, being me. Your father was there all of a sudden. He smiled at me and said Happy Firstday to me. I greeted him his firstday and how I remembered it being on the third moon. And that your mother’s was on the tenth. That’s the last I can remember of the dream.

A cruel dream.

Because my spirit was well aware of the damage such a fantasy could inflict upon me.

A defence activated within me as I began to awaken. It told me to not be a fool. To not even consider believing anything of that dream was true. Because my spirit was well aware of the damage such a fantasy could inflict upon me. The damage of that fantasy had already begun. I don’t want to even write this painful letter. I don’t even want you to see it, lest your anger and resent towards me grows further.

This morning was not an easy one. I spent most of it beating sense back into myself. I still have to deal with the ghosts. But that’s a different problem.

As futile as this is, I must write it to you here, again, my darling. Please stop haunting me! I just want a happy life.

As warm and comforting that dream was, I just want reality.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy