22:21   16/11/2020

To my dear Swe…

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m using a different quill this time. Can you recognize the ink? It’s fine if you can’t. It’s not like it matters anyway. I just felt that its about time I use this instrument for its true purpose. Letters.

The penmanship is much messier than what I’m used to. But maybe it suits the look of my writing. Messy. Raw. Honest. Let’s see!

Some brothers took the time to visit me today. To me, that marks a special milepost. Because these brothers did not ask to organize a time and day to come visit me. They just told me they were coming. Exactly the way I like to do it. Just out of my own accord. Or in this case, their accord. I had not experienced this in many centuries. An unexpected visit. If truth be told, I had already given up on the idea that this would ever happen to me. But today changed everything. Because today is the first time in many lifetimes that somebody showed me some genuine raw love.

It cannot be organized by both parties. That is because it is truly not a collaborated agreement.

Those that know me well, know that this raw love is my style. You, especially, should know that, my darling. This raw affection. It cannot be organized by both parties. That is because it is truly not a collaborated agreement. It is raw because it is the lone decision of one party, independent of the agreement of the other. It is a true act of courage and independence, to take the lead, and offer this act of affection. That’s what it is. An offering. Something of value, given up in hopes that it comforts the other. Just like these letters.

We never agreed that we’d share any correspondence, my darling. I just write you. Offering fragments of my heart, that I can see you’ll never accept. And that’s perfectly fine. Your agreement is not the important factor here. It is the fact of whether I make these offering or not. These displays of raw love. Because at the end of the day, that’s all a man truly has.

I haven’t given many unexpected visits to my loved ones lately. I’m finding that much harder nowadays. Maybe because I’m losing trust in folk, nowadays. Who could blame me? Most don’t show me much worth in trust anymore. Some never did. And still I offer my heart to them. I know. I know. You hate that part about me, my darling. I know. But these changes in tides don’t make things easier, either. I’ve got all this heart, but so little in whom to offer it to.

Tired of wasting this limited resource of mine.

Or maybe because I’m tired of giving it. Tired of wasting this limited resource of mine. If only I get could a refund. Hah! What a joke! But yes. Fuck you all! I’m tired of wasting. Now, all I have the energy for is to receive what’s rightfully mine. Too bad most don’t understand. No. Most don’t care.

I’ve only got heart for those still making the effort with me. But now, I know I’ve got even more heart for those truly sharing their own. Like my brothers today. Any my sister last night.

Warren and Carl came all the way to the capital today, to see me. ‘All the way’, as if it were so far from the Kingdom. But yes. I didn’t ask them. They just chose to come. Said because I always made the effort. What a simple relationship. I give. They give. Why is that so difficult for everybody else? All I can really do is continue to light these beacons.

We ventured the capital today. Found strange yet delicious treats to enjoy. Enjoyed the sights, as well, if I may add. And the weather. Warm and sunny was the setting. Or was it just the way I was feeling?

Ponyo came to see me last night, as well. I was so happy to see her. Our reconnection hasn’t been going as smoothly as I’d like. But we’re still rebinding, regardless.  I miss her. I miss her so much. I don’t think she understands that. I don’t blame her. I’ve hurt her. And I never realized that until she told me one day. That day being 10 years too late for me to realize. I’m a horrible brother. It’s okay if she doesn’t forgive me. I can accept that. But either way, I’m happy she actually came to see me.

I was afraid she’d refuse when I asked for her time. Afraid she’d remind me of how little she should trust me. My poor sweet sister. I don’t deserve her in my life. Especially since she had the courage to face me once again. And out of nowhere, too. When I asked for her time, last night, I didn’t think she would actually agree. Like I said earlier, I’m losing trust in folk, nowadays. But silly of me to count her as just ‘folk’. We grew up from youths to adulthood together. She’s more than just a ‘somebody’ to me. No wonder she is still nervous around me. I could tell last night. She’ll blame it on the fact that she’s naturally shy. But I don’t remember a shy girl when we were young. It just proves how much trust she’s lost in a fool like me.

I’m not sure if I told you, my darling, of how Ponyo and I reunited. That night, we put a lot of matters on the table. We even split a lot of poisons and sport supplementations on the table, as well. A fun mess. But that night, we gave each other honesty. Likely the best thing we had given each other in centuries. This happened several whole moons ago. Likely why you hadn’t heard of this yet, my darling. But we luckily crossed paths at Felix’s keep.

We are heroes. We thrive by giving heart.

Ah, Felix. The only other comrade who had come to see me. But that’s no surprise. Felix is just like me. We are heroes. We thrive by giving heart. And so he was bound to show me his face, and I’m sure another time soon.

I hope I soon replenish all that heart I’ve lost these past few lifetimes. It’s not easy to be constantly robbed. But once I’ve replenished enough, I can start to bring light to the worlds again. I know. There’s brothers and sisters out there that need my fire.

I’m sorry, my loves. But be patient with me!

Love from yours truly

Daniel Roy