15:26   22/11/2020

To my dear Swe…

Yesterday, I talked with an old comrade. Char. Our champion of song. And as a fellow artist, as well as a dear brother, we discussed some personal matters. Through our talks, I reminded myself of some feelings I’ve kept hidden in the shadows. There are old passions still aflame deep within me that should have extinguished a long time ago. For the sake of everything I love around me, these fires needed to die out.

It’s funny, because yesterday I brought Anna with me. I would have brought her sister, but yesterday I didn’t come from the capital where she and I now stay. I instead came from my family’s area, where Anna stays instead. Lest she’s needed. In all honesty, she was not needed. I brought her as a joke. A poor joke. One that did not spark many laughs. One that did not even create any real attention. The joke didn’t feel right, so I didn’t make much of an effort for anybody to notice.

No longer involved in our world’s active feudalism, a protector was not necessary for us now civilians.

This joke started as the Family was organizing our revelries for yesterday. Somebody made the suggestion that we all take the rail carriage to the capital. So as a joke, I offered to play the role as our protector for this rail journey. I said this cryptically, so that only the true warriors of the family would understand. There was clearly no need for anybody to be the protector. No longer involved in our world’s active feudalism, a protector was not necessary for us now civilians.

So yesterday, I brought Anna. To further emphasize the joke. Most didn’t notice her. She was cloaked well enough. As she should be. Some of the sisters saw her, but they had no clue as to her purpose. The sight of her didn’t even bother them.

That woke me up to a strange reality. That being that I now roam with a complete civilian class. The one brother who did notice – Rivvon – had a laugh. But it didn’t change facts. That I was the only solider left. I’m not even a foot unit. But even sitting atop the chain of command, I still felt it. I was the only solider.

As I was displaying my silly jest, I had Anna come by my side. And what was strange to me about that, was how natural that felt. Our pairing. I could have comfortably roamed the capital in our little pairing, and all would be well. Not that I actually did. Anna didn’t come with us.

I wonder how she felt about that. I hope she isn’t mad. I didn’t mean to tease such an idea, and get her excited. I’m sure she knew I was joking, right? Partners can sense that, right? I don’t know. But I do feel bad. I know she, and even her sister, have not been out and about in the worlds for a very long time. Sadly, I haven’t even had them enjoy a true dance yet. I haven’t been good, as a new partner. But I’m sure they understand my situation. They’re still precious to me. I give them that respect everyday.

I can’t deny how comfortable it felt to hold Anna by my side. It felt right. Her sister is here with me right now. Making sure everything is okay. Should it be that way?

That I should be a better man, and look after things that are truly valuable. Like the Family. Or maybe even my own little family, when the time comes.

These passions. I know. They’re not what I should continue to fuel. Char told me that I should be done with such nonsense. That I should be a better man, and look after things that are truly valuable. Like the Family. Or maybe even my own little family, when the time comes. What makes me sad is that I agree. That I should be done with such passions. Not that they are wrong. Nothing in life is truly wrong. But I do understand that they can jeopardize and put at risk all that I love. I know these very issues are what drove you away, my dear Sweetheart. I’m very aware. I live with those regrets everyday. But now that you’re no longer here, encouraging me to be as good as I can, a man can feel that he is slipping into old habits. I should be better that that. Shouldn’t I. Isn’t your absence, my darling, enough of a reminder for me?

Do you know what’s interesting? My physical composition has been changing. I thought I knew why, but now I’m not so sure. I thought it was due to the lack of resistance exercises during the plague that was changing me. But I’ve been training for 4 whole moons already, and I’m still not back to the mass I was. I’m just getting smaller. And I think it’s got very much to do with your absence, my darling. My body seems to now be either adopting soldier-form. Faster, more enduring, yet more efficient. Or, unfortunately, it could be trying to adopt courtship-form. Similar in qualities, but for a different purpose.

Either way. I noticed something with this change in form. My old armours fit me well again. Especially the good old gambeson. Old things. I know. And I know I probably shouldn’t bother with them anymore. But it feels good to have them on again. They make me feel young. Free. Deadly. I just tried the gambeson on this morning. And I had Anna with me. We couldn’t say it didn’t seem good. But I knew, of course, not to get me or her excited with such forgotten nonsense.

I told him that I wanted to be irresponsible. That I wanted to be unreasonable.

I felt bad talking to Char yesterday. He so very much hoped that I could forget about these old passions. And do you know what I told him. I told him that I, of course, would love to forget about these silly things because I knew in reality they weren’t doing me any good. But then I told him something else. I told him that I wanted to be irresponsible. That I wanted to be unreasonable. That I wanted to feed those natural human instincts. Because right now, those fires I shouldn’t have been fueling were very much helping to keep me alive. He understood. I know he did. He and I are extremely similar in our ways. Beings of passion. Artists. But he also hoped I’d consider what I was corrupting if I continued on this way. My own life.

He’s so dear to me. I hate when my nature upsets him. He’s completely aware of my shadows. And I don’t mean to scare him off at times. He’s one of the only brothers who can speak one of the key languages of my heart. Pain. And I’m sure he knows the same about me. Sometimes, I know he forgets amongst all the chaos, that I always hold him dear in my heart.

I was glad I had a chance to reconnect with him. He helped me to re-expose one of my flaws. So, I should be as good as I can be. But will that keep me alive?

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy