14:25   02/12/2020

To my dea…

I thought I lost my quill. I couldn’t find it for so long. I searched every corner of my home. Every pocket of my gear. Every odd place I may have left it. No quill. Then I started to contemplate where I may have brought it. Only the most special of occasions, to me, would have been where I could have brought this quill. Not just any old firstday celebrations or such. It’d have to be an extremely dear celebration at that. Regular carousals have no need for my elite penmanship. As all should know, my writing can only be for those dearest to me.

Yet I still couldn’t find my quill. Old demons began to lurk about. I smelt them. I could feel Terror slowly try to embrace me. She knew how much this quill meant to me. It was the most important gift I ever received. To lose it forever… I don’t know what would happen to me. No. I’m wrong to say that I wouldn’t know. It’s already been clear what’s been happening to me in my state of anguish. I’ve been noticing it more and more every day. It’s why I’m still fucking writing to you, my dear Sweetheart. Excuse my curses! But it’s why I even bothered to write this letter today.

Not finding my quill, I began to go over who had come by my home recently. Many a dear brothers and sisters. Maybe only one visitor whom I don’t trust, but their stay was much too short to mean anything. I began to worry if any of them had taken it. For what reason, I don’t know. But at that thought, Rage began to laugh and dance around me. How irritating. I thought about if any of my guests had taken the quill. My mouth spoke before I realized. It said “I’ll fucking kill them if they’ve taken it!” Damned Rage. He was always so irritating! Made me speak too suddenly for my own good.

I knew I had to calm. Get rid of these scallywags before they make my life even more worse. Terror, with her embrace around one of my arms, wasn’t doing well to comfort me. As usual. But then again, what comfort had I even felt these past few centuries? I had to shrug her off!

I went through the same search route. When I went through the old quill stack again, I searched more thoroughly. She was there! She was hidden deep within the masses. I knew I couldn’t have lost my quill. I’d never treat her so carelessly. This quill is the last angelic blessing I’m ever to receive. My writing would never be the same without it.

I would never lose her! She was just hidden amongst the other old quills. I bet they were jealous. So, they likely tucked her deep into the abyss. Out of sight. Silly fools! Don’t they know, once somebody has been deemed as significant, there will always be somebody else searching for them, far and wide, no matter how difficult it may be.

I found her. Now I can start this letter.

But give me a moment! A man needs to catch his breath.

---

This letter will be marked as the 31^st letter. A terrible number to write to. Luckily, it is not truly the 31^st letter to you, my darling. You know there have been countless more from the days of old. And you didn’t know that there are even more I’ve yet to reveal. Some of them too distasteful for us both to see. Let’s not worry about them. I have to worry about this 31^st letter. And to be honest, I already do not fancy what I am to write. If you haven’t already figured, a man is not well, not well at all. And so sadly, this letter is a more of a rant. A ventilation of troubles I can’t seem to shake away. My apologies, my darling. You’re all I can talk to.

All I know is how to close myself. Close myself from the rest of the worlds, so that nobody gets a chance to feel who I am.

Honestly, I’ve already written about this. Not too long ago. It’s just that it’s becoming more and more clear to me. And now I’m beginning to feel the detriment. I can’t open myself up. To anybody. For any reason. I can’t open myself. And it’s truly taking its toll on me. All I know is how to close myself. Close myself from the rest of the worlds, so that nobody gets a chance to feel who I am. Bad form for an artist. Or maybe this closed, unaccepting nobody is truly who I am, now. Why do I not agree with that?

As most folk do, they keep themselves busy. So that they don’t have to deal with their thoughts. And usually, they eventually find a way, or a time and place to deal with their thoughts. Usually by sharing themselves with somebody. Verbally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Sometimes all those ways. I wish I could do that. I remember I used to be able to express myself in all those manners. That was a long time ago. A very long time ago.

There’s something wrong with me now. A malfunction in my programming. For some reason, whenever I can sense, consciously and unconsciously, that I’m about to grow closer to another person, I prevent it from happening. In different ways. I prevent connections to my heart. I either get uncomfortable and let my discomfort be known, or sometimes I become indifferent to make sure the connection doesn’t go beyond the surface. But it goes further than that. I avoid most folk nowadays, especially acquaintances. Sure, I give folk the traditional greetings and farewells if I’m in a situation that calls for such formalities. But these scripts mean nothing as far as my heart is concerned. And don’t ask me about small talk. I’m sure all who know me know that small talk is one of the most difficult tasks for a philosopher. I’m too aware to only ever scratch the surface. But that’s the thing. I now only keep everything on the surface, nowadays. Maybe that’s why my soul is in such agony. I don’t know. But one thing is for sure. I have no intentions to meet new people. A strange detail that does not match the open and welcoming protagonist that all recognize me to be. No wonder I’m so troubled. I’m not doing what I do best. Embrace everything.

Father above, I’m finding my writing so dull. This must be the expression of a dull heart. I think ‘suppressed heart’ would be the better term. Because this suppression is something I’m recognizing more and more everyday. I can feel the ache right now, as I write. This wringing. In my chest. It’s somehow physical. And sadly. It feels all too familiar.

Nowadays I only ever interact with those I deeply trust. My circle is nothing like it ever used to be. Who could blame me? A good many walked out. And besides, how does one have trust in folk once they’ve been abandoned by those they love. Investing heart is one of the last things I’m eager to do. And what’s more frustrating is that heart is all I’ve ever had. I’ve never had coin, or cool things to offer, or useful skills that were helpful. Just 100% pure Columbian heart. Whatever that means. But now with those I trust, no matter how few they may be, I’m still closed as ever. I spend so much time with Warren, Tav, and Carl. But I can never tell them a thing. Maybe because we’re ‘the boys’. Now I’m with  Felix, Karati, Glenn, and the high landers more often. But still…

The poor girl. I made her sad. So I don’t blame her for keeping her distance. But the bigger problem is that she’s not the only one creating this distance.

Ponyo has been interacting with me a lot more, if I haven’t already told. That makes me happy. It’s been so long since I’ve had my little sister listen to my madness. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to open up to her. There’s this huge divide between us, I can sense. I’m sure she doesn’t trust me. She still loves me. But I’ve hurt her before. The poor girl. I made her sad. So I don’t blame her for keeping her distance. But the bigger problem is that she’s not the only one creating this distance.

I think she noticed that I wasn’t well, that I wasn’t my usual self. She tried to console me one time. I tried to open. I did a little. But I think the distance we were creating only made it more difficult. Nowadays, it’s even harder to talk to her. She’s always so busy with her duties. She’s not a little girl anymore. She’s now a busy adult. And I don’t want to become a bother. It sure feels like I am. Or maybe she just doesn’t trust me anymore. You know what I’m truly scared of. If she actually doesn’t love me anymore. And that this whole time she was just trying to be nice. Maybe that’s what it is. I don’t blame her. I think it’s best to just let her be.

I’ve been spending time with Valentina, lately. I know you don’t like that, my darling. Nobody does, actually. I don’t blame them. I don’t blame you either. Because no one truly understands our relationship. Me and her. She’s surely never been my lover. Nor was she a sister. A daughter? Hmmm. I don’t know if that’s the right word to use. It doesn’t sound too good. Makes me sound like an old creep. Which I’m not! She was just that little girl. And I was just that soldier. We just had this understanding of each other. An artistic sense, laced with aesthetics and chaos.

She used to look after me when I was downheartened. And now, I’m looking out for her. She needs strong figures in her life, right now. So I’m trying to show her more light. There’s only one problem. I’m a complete mess, myself. And I need to get myself in order before I can truly make a good difference for her.

If anything, whenever she tries to share me her burdens, I push her away. Lest she begins to feel closer to me again. That frightens me. And now she has grown into a woman. That frightens me even more.

We try to reconnect our own way. On our own level. But sadly, I’m not completely there. If anything, whenever she tries to share me her burdens, I push her away. Lest she begins to feel closer to me again. That frightens me. And now she has grown into a woman. That frightens me even more. Something inside me prevents me from getting closer to her. Like a defense mechanism. And that’s troublesome, given I’m trying to help her out of her darkness. I can’t help her properly if we can’t create a form of emotional trust. All she can do is try to talk to me, and hope that I’m actually concerned. But I’m so closed and indifferent. It’s almost as if I’m her psychologist. And that’s hard, because I wish she could be my psychologist instead, like she used to be. Not professionally, of course. But in our own sort of way. I wish I could open up to her. But old traumas get in my way. Her feminine qualities don’t help. They keep me even more distant.

I’ve noticed that more, nowadays. I’ve completely distanced myself from any sexual interaction. Even the tiniest amount of it. I push it away. I think it’s because I fear any involvement. My heart is not well. And so, I roam these worlds, completely shielding my heart from everything. There are many temptresses, damsels in distress, divas, ladies, and queens out there. And for some reason, I do my best to stay away from them all.

I’ve been out and about with Felix lately. He tells me of things I pay no attention to. When we were at the Jatrock Market, he told me of how the merchants were flirting. At some bar at Valley, he and Rikishi told me of how some of the patrons were interested in me. And as soon as I heard all these things, I walked off and distanced myself.

I’ve been absolved of that duty over a century ago. But I still can’t let go of these oaths. They’re ruining me. Deep inside. It’s confusing my nature.

The other day I talk to Felix about these things. I also told him about my time with Luna. I tried to open up to him a little. He seemed aware of my issue and told me. I still believed that I was sworn to my old queen. I denied this at first. But it began to make more and more sense. And it still makes sense now. My heart is still sworn. And, of course it is. I meant every oath I swore in my heart. Not religious vows consummated through ceremony. But mere devotion. Out of love for my queen. Well, my old queen. I’ve been absolved of that duty over a century ago. But I still can’t let go of these oaths. They’re ruining me. Deep inside. It’s confusing my nature. I know I am now a ronin, but I live as if I still serve. Waiting. For someone who will never return. This discord. Between my values and reality. I think that’s why I’m losing so much light. My heart has been bound to someone it knows no longer exist.

My heart likely has no trust anymore. No wonder I keep myself closed. My heart devoted itself to someone who isn’t even there. Who’s to say that the next person, my heart even tries to smile to, won’t just stand up and leave. These oaths, this loyalty, this exclusive commitment. I need to get rid of them. But I don’t know how. They’re the only strengths I know of within myself. They keep me alive. Keep me mighty. Keep me righteous. Keep me ready for whatever the queen needs of me, so that I may honour her and make her proud. But what queen? My mind and soul know there is no queen. But my heart. Foolish thing. Can’t it see what it’s doing to me? To my entirety? There is a lack of harmony between my heart and the rest of me. It makes sense why there is a lack of harmony in my life.

I wonder if she ever noticed that I needed her help more than she needed mine.

I saw Luna the other day. I promised her my time. And sadly, she had had some trouble from the night before. So, to see me was a big deal for her. She always felt better when she spent time with me. But something was different. The fact that I was there to make her feel better probably opened her heart to me. My poor dear. I could tell that she wanted me to comfort her. Embrace her like I used to, so that she could feel safe again. But I don’t think she understood how troubling that was for me. I knew what I could do for her. Affection. To just hold her hand. To just hold her in my arms. To just kiss her like she was precious. To just love her like she was my everything. But I couldn’t do it. My foolish heart would stop me. That stupid defense mechanism would spring whenever I thought about getting a little closer. Pathetic of me. I left a lady feeling sad. I wonder if she noticed how quiet I got. I wonder if she noticed my anguish. I wonder if she ever noticed that I needed her help more than she needed mine. It’s too late, now. I ran away. She likely doesn’t understand. And now, I’ll likely not see her for a very long while.

I couldn’t even be there for someone dear to me. That made me very disappointed in myself. It made me feel that I’d failed to be there for my queen, just by failing to be there for her. I told Felix about this and he re-emphasized the point. That I still believed I was sworn. And that the confusion is likely why I find it so hard to open up to anyone.

But I don’t know what to do. I spent over 10 centuries perfecting myself as my old queen’s knight. I don’t know what it’s like to be free of duty. I need someone to be patient enough to deal with me. To help me open up. Warren tries to be patient with me, but likely doesn’t understand why I always disappear for several moons. Luna likely hasn’t made sense of why I keep her at a distance. Valentina likely doesn’t understand why I’m not supportive of her, like she always was of me. Felix likely doesn’t understand why I’m always so dull, negative, and closed. And Ponyo likely still doesn’t trust me. That and she’s too busy.

It feels substanceless, keeping everything surface level. It feels worse, suppressing myself at the moments I should share my heart.

I wonder what it’s like for them all, when they spend time with me. Dull, surely. I feel that I am. I know I’m not myself. I hope they’re all patient with me. I need them to be. I’m so closed to them, but inside, I want to share my heart. It feels substanceless, keeping everything surface level. It feels worse, suppressing myself at the moments I should share my heart. I hope they can all wait for me. And I hope they can all not misunderstand when I push them away. It makes sense in my head that I truly trust them. But something is definitely holding me back. What’s worse is that the same thing is holding me back from the rest of the worlds. I know I already pushed away countless new people, out of my life. And not because they’re bad. It’s just because these walls around my heart are too high and dense.

This letter is my real attempt of opening up. I’m trying to say how I feel to you, my darling, even though you don’t exist. Or maybe you’re the last person I should open up to, since this will only further confuse my heart. It still believes it’s sworn to a queen. And now it thinks it’s writing to an angel? I think I do need to stop these letters. These purposeless oaths are trouble enough.

I just know I hate my writing, right now. It’s lacking all the colours and intricacies I want to paint. I’m just trying to rid myself of all this old dull ink.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy