15:08   05/12/2020

To my…

A man has fulfilled some long awaited duties. Much too long awaited. I still feel guilty that it took me so long to fulfill this task. Or rather, I should say it took me too long to ‘begin’ this duty.

I went to visit Honey. After so long, I finally mustered the courage to make my way and see her. Do you remember Honey, my darling. The empress. Of our family. My second mother. Well, I see her that way. She deserved that honour.

But maybe that’s why it was so difficult for me to attempt this effort. Mother. Such a blessed and cursed title. For me, at least. You should know that, my darling.

Mother and Honey have finally reconnected again. About time, too. It always makes me sad when I hear that they’re avoiding each other. Those two need each other. I think they forget that. I think they forget that in this strange world of the Star Country, they are both the only kinsfolk that the other one has. When they left the Banana Isles when they were young, it was only them two, together. Everybody else remained back at the corroding motherland, while these two ventured the outside worlds. They’d both tell me of the times they lived in the Sand Countries. Of how the old tyrant there was truly not the evil man the rest of the worlds made him out to be. Of how Qari was an absolutely beautiful place before the Fire Countries came and delivered the destruction. They eventually travelled here to the Star Country. Honey would tell me that when she first arrived, she’d always call this place the land of milk and honey. I think I’m beginning to understand that more as the centuries go by. But either way, it was only them two. I feel that those two sometimes forget that at the end of the day, they truly only have each other. At least they’re talking again. Honey truly needs it.

I think her nature is not in harmony with her current phase of life. Rest. She may not acknowledge this.

Things have been getting harder for Honey. Mother tells me. The empress liked to take upon too many burdens. She always has. She always took the role of someone who could make everything better. A noble ambition, indeed. There’s a reason why she was the empress of our house. But there is only so much that a single person can manage. And she, I can tell, has already run herself dry. I think her nature is not in harmony with her current phase of life. Rest. She may not acknowledge this. She no longer needs to have others depend on her strength. If anything, she needs to see that it is her that is in need of others now. I’m sure that’s difficult for her. I’m still finding that difficult within myself. To accept that I need to rely on others now, instead of trying to remain the one who everybody can rely on. There are times when a champion is needed. But each champion’s time is not always constant. Time changes all things. So, time changes all needs. And she needs to recuperate.

Grandmother had passed away, the last harvest. That was hard for Mother and Honey. Unlike everybody else who still lived in the Banana Isles, Mother and Honey lived here in another world. Sky travel was not the simplest of things. Coin was one of the main issues. Honey didn’t have so much of that, nowadays. And time was the other issue. They needed to be at the right place at the right time. And a sky carriage’s schedule was not always so accommodating. Mother eventually sorted everything out. I wonder how Honey felt about that. I’m sure she was frustrated that she wasn’t able to manage it all herself. Even though she didn’t even need to. That’s just the way our old empress was. Feeling responsible for anything and everything.

There’s another problem that came with travelling to the Banana Isles. The others. Our bloodkin. Not the most admirable of characters. But who can blame them? They were not nurtured in the most honest of places. Living around hopeless leaders, where sin ran free. Sadly, our relatives there were not the best of folk to have around. Especially if you came from a world that they perceived to be wealthier. I know. I’ve experienced them. Countless times. And it never felt comfortable.

Folk would tell me, “I love my family, but I don’t think they love me back. I think they only love what I bring.”

No matter how many times I tried to adopt the form of love and kinship, there was always this uneasy tension in the air. Back then, I never understood what it was. I was too focused on acquainting myself with my relatives to see the actual stench. But then other folk would tell me about their issues they faced when they would travel back to their homelands. They would tell me the problem was actually seeing their family. It didn’t make sense. I thought people were supposed to be glad to see their families back at their homelands. That’s when they woke me up to the true underlying notion. The strange stench I couldn’t pinpoint. Folk would tell me, “I love my family, but I don’t think they love me back. I think they only love what I bring.” That’s when everything became more clear.

I always found it strange how some of my uncles and aunties would just stand around, whenever I travelled back to the motherland. Not even doing anything in particular. They’d just be floating around me and Honey. Sometimes doing little unnecessary things like hold a door open or hail a cab. Just like a server would. Back in the Banana Isle, there was never a lack of those around. Too many folk were poor back there. So they’d all do whatever they could to get coin. Act as servers. So strange that my relatives would be doing the same thing, but for us. Sometimes I found it hard to tell the difference between a random server and…

And our relatives that were not always around, too… They’d show their faces sometimes. And it would be lovely to see them. But then that stench would appear, and then you could feel that strange tension. An anticipation. I couldn’t understand it at first. But after what others had told me about their relatives, it began to make sense. What I was feeling were the eyes of jackals and vultures, patiently lurking around ‘the kill’, waiting until we’d buy them something of commercial value, or gave them coin. I now understood why mother would always have me keep her arrival to the motherland a secret. She didn’t want one soul to know she’d come back. And for good reason too, I now understand.

I have a very particular view point of what it means to be ‘family’. And I know that there are too many out there that would take advantage of such a word.

What a shame. They think we’re wealthy, just because we live in the Star Country. And they think that means we’ll feed their shameless cries. That’s the biggest problem. Honey couldn’t help but answer their calls. Couldn’t help but feed their greed. She couldn’t see that she was not helping them at all. These fiends. It makes me ashamed that I have to acknowledge them as my kinsfolk. I have a very particular view point of what it means to be ‘family’. And I know that there are too many out there that would take advantage of such a word.

It makes me feel sad when I think about my mother’s side of my relatives. My father’s side are the complete opposite. Humble. Appreciative. Loving. Happy. Whenever I see my father’s side of my kinsfolk, I can truly feel the love and appreciation. They’re not wealthy by any means. Barely the coin to last a day here in the Star Country. But when they see me, they share with me everything they have. Treat me like I’m truly one of their own. They never ask a thing. And when I make any offerings, they kindly refuse. But what’s most beautiful about them is that they’re always so happy. I can’t help but feel happier when I’m around them. I feel guilty when I come around. I don’t think they understand my depressed, dark nature. Or maybe they do, and they know that only positivity, love, and appreciations can cure such an illness.

I learn so much from them. I can honestly say that some of my better qualities were developed because of them. While I’d stress out about not having enough, they’d be happy with so little. These folk. They truly changed me for the better.

While I’d stress out about not having enough, they’d be happy with so little.

But we’re not talking about my father’s end of my family. We’re talking about the others.

Sometimes I wish Honey did not feel so obliged to ‘support’ our relatives. From what I know, barely any of them were supporting Grandmother while she was still alive. I heard no one wanted to take care of her. And that they’d be passing Grandmother around, relieving themselves of the responsibility. That broke my heart. I’d hear that Grandmother was always upset that barely anybody was there for her. No wonder she couldn’t hold on for too long. There were so many members of the family there, back in the Banana Isles, and yet my Grandmother still felt alone. That reminds me of all the old folk that find themselves inside the elderly deposit. Forgotten souls, left in Limbo until they finally decided to let go. No matter how much I distance myself from my parents, I will not ever let them go to the elder depot. I have too much honour to ever let that happen.

Before I showed my face to Honey’s estate, I made sure to pick up a bouquet of blooms. A real man always brings blooms to a dear lady he had not seen in a while. And it had been centuries since I’d last seen Honey. Millenniums since I’d last even gave her a visit. The last time, I was still a young soldier, barely any victories pinned to my chest. This was when she used to live in the capital, where I’d often come to stay when home was not safe. It’s funny. When Mother told Honey that I resided in the capital, Honey laughed and said “Of course! He lived there half of his life.”

I forget that sometimes. That I grew up in the capital, living with Honey, for a big portion of my childhood. It makes sense as to why I’m so in tune with the energy up here. This busy, isolated amongst the masses lifestyle. It’s not very family orientated like it is outside the capital. Always a bit strange, but nothing new.

I always get a big cup of nostalgia when I ride into the capital. Especially because the first building you see once you enter the heart of the capital used to be our home. The Riverwalk Inn. A true and classic cuphouse. And I hope it’s there to stay. If I ever make enough coin, I will buy the Riverwalk back! Our family here in the Star Country all know how to run that cuphouse. My father, my brothers, my mother, my aunty, my uncle, my cousins, all of us. We’ve all contributed to the Riverwalk. I’d love to keep that tradition alive for our future generations. But it’s going to take a whole lot of coin to buy the Riverwalk back. More coin than I’d ever even imagined making. Coin is not exactly one of my ambitions, as most of those who know me can agree upon. So for now, the Riverwalk is only a dream. We’ll see.

Honey was not ready to see me. Her heart wasn’t ready. I could tell. I did what I always do, and made my appearance unannounced. I always feel it’s more genuine that way. Means I came on my own accord. Which I did. I should have been visiting my dear aunt long beforehand. At least I finally made a start.  She wasn’t sure what to say to me. How to receive my presence. The blooms also caught her off guard. I wonder if she liked them. Either way, I could tell she was glad that I’d finally come back to see her as a grown adult. I think she was also surprised I still remembered where she lived. All the way at otherside of town. I don’t think she knows of my navigational skills. Not that she needs to.

We caught up on a few things, given it had been so long. She asked about Octavious. And if he was married yet. That’s something all of us are curious about. She had also heard that I was no longer sworn. That wasn’t easy for me to discuss. But she told me that all my troubles wouldn’t matter once the right queen calls me to her side. She said I’d know because everything will feel effortless. I hope she’s right.

Well, he never actually taught me first hand. I was just lucky enough to experience his incredible aura, and have been marvelled ever since.

After a while, Honey began to open up about what was truly troubling her. The passing of Zarani. Her dear partner. A powerful character in my life. That’s for certain. Zarani taught me how to create an almighty presence. Well, he never actually taught me first hand. I was just lucky enough to experience his incredible aura, and have been marvelled ever since. Especially because he was able to emit so much power by not doing anything but stand.

I had trouble at the courthouses in my younger days. I was to face imprisonment. There were countless nasty creatures about, that day. But something indominable then stepped into the courthouses. I watched what seemed to be nasty threatening demons, then shrink into timid little rodents before the king of the jungle. Zarani had a presence like no other, that day. It was frightening. I found it harder to breath around him. That pressure. And all he had done was walk inside. I knew I need power like that if I was to become great. He was truly inspiring.

But he was no longer with us. Ailments had taken him recently. And it wasn’t the plague either. An unfortunate loss for us all. Especially Honey. He was her symbol of strength and hope. Her fulfillment as a woman. Now he was gone. I could see that Honey had still not made peace with that fact. She very much wanted to talk all about him. About how much harder his final days had become. About how his death ceremony had not been properly sorted due to the plague’s lockdown situation. Poor Honey. And poor Zarani. I had yet to properly honour him in his passing. Only a quiet prayer to myself. I’m sure once this lockdown period is finally over, Honey will organize a time for us all to say our eulogies.

Honey ordered for food to be prepared for me. Simple Banana Isle’ cuisine. I began to see her expression lighten up the more we talked. Maybe she finally accepted that I did truly come to see her. Folk need that. To know that others want to come and see them. I’ve been doing a lot of that, lately. It’s what I always used to do, before I was sworn. Now that’s I’m free, it’s all I can do. There are so many out there that need my light. How could I have left them all in the dark. Never again! I’ll do my best to be there for everyone. And so, hopefully, maybe one day, others might actually be there for me. One day. I hope.

It was a big thing for me. To go and visit my second mother. She was the one who looked after me when my parents could not. She’s the reason I got to meet and experience so many different types of folk when I was a child. I think that made me the very open and accepting man that I am today. Well, sort of open. Maybe not at the moment. My heart… I still need assistance with that. But still. I don’t discriminate, is what I meant. Either way, Honey was a very big figure in my life. I would have turned out quite differently if she wasn’t there for me.

I hope my visit made a difference. She needs to know that some of us still care about her, even if she does feel alone. I’ll have to see her again, soon. Maybe next time I’ll bring some of that Elvish poison she’s curious about. She told me she’d been fascinated with these Elven drama performances, lately. As has much of the rest of the worlds. And that she’s curious as to what these performers were always sinking in their cups. I’ll be mindful of how much I bring. We want things to remain pleasant when I visit.

I’ll tell you about it next time.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy