22:34   30/12/2020

To my…

I’ve not painted words for some while. Lately, it hasn’t felt right. To write, that is. The venom in my heart has been spilling upon the pages too often. I know that needed to be treated. And time, the wonderous thing, has done its healing. That, and good company. Sometimes I forget I’m tied to remarkable characters.

I’ve had the chance to absorb some strength off a few of the brothers. I’ve been sharing a little too much of my own, especially where it may not be worth it. So, to finally have others willing to share their light with me has been invigorating. And not just anybody’s light, but light from those I trust and love. That makes it mean so much more.

I forget that at times. That I should be trusting others to empower me too. I’m too caught up in sharing my light with others, I don’t see that I’m beginning to run myself dry. I’m quite fortunate some of the brothers checked on my spirits and gave me the much needed boost. In good time too. You know how dark I was getting, my darling. And now I think we both know why.

To make sure my light was as bright as it could be before I even thought about shining the way.

I love sharing light with others. It’s one of the things I do best. The joy I feel when I see that someone is doing better after they’ve crossed paths with me is enchanting. The honour that thrills me when I know I’ve empowered somebody’s spirit is even more intoxicating. And to pull somebody out of the darkness… It’s hard to find anything more glorious. But this light. This resource I’m sharing. It’s supply has its limits. And when you spend more than your allowance, you begin to tarnish your own goodness. You begin dimming your own light. I love the taste of the glory that comes from offering my light. But I was getting too drunk on that too often that I couldn’t see what it was doing to me. That’s when the brothers reminded me. To make sure my light was as bright as it could be before I even thought about shining the way.

That talk I had with the brothers was the first time I properly opened up, as well. I think Mable was happy to get a better understanding of matters that were troubling me. And I think Milton was honoured to see another side of me. It was the first time I’d seen him open up to me, or to any of the brothers. It might have been his actual first time. It was a good thing. I’m sure we both appreciated each other’s honesty, and each other’s reassurance of loyalty. Hah! Loyalty. I wonder if the lambs even know what that means. Wait. It’s more than loyalty we reaffirmed that night. It was honour. That’s what I feel the lambs won’t recognize. A pity they won’t see their opportunities for honour. It’s not something they teach at school. Or at work.

My sense of light has been feeling better lately. And Valentina is catching me at a good time. I’ve been able to properly guide her towards brighter avenues. Reminding her not to water her old plants that won’t fruit. And not to bother punishing the plants when those thorns prick her. All in all, I told her it would be better to spend her time and energy on things that would grow, and grow well.

I saw her today. And I could feel that her energy was getting better. She seemed aware to keep herself around better company. I’m sure, soon, I won’t have to worry about her anymore. I’m glad.

There are others I’m still concerned about. But unfortunately, I must be mindful of my own light before I share it. One of the brothers is in real need, and I hope I don’t recharge myself too late. And one of my sister’s hasn’t seemed to find much change, yet. But she’s slowly moving her pieces on the board. I’m keeping an eye on them.

But for now, I’m surely keeping an eye on myself. I must. If I’m to do good things. I will do good things. As I always do.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy