18:34   03/01/2021

To my old dear Sw…

I can feel it. A change in the air. A change in my air. Several sorts of changes. Maybe it’s because it’s already time for the new harvest. You know what that means. I already said it. Change. But some of these changes, I still need to work on. Some of them, I fear. Please bless me with strength, my dear Angel. Strength to armour me. To face my…

I told you, in these previous letters, of the celebrations the brothers and I held. Of how I made my leave early. Of how it wasn’t pleasing. Ponyo asked me of how I spent my celebrations for the new seasons. I told her of how I didn’t enjoy myself. When she asked of me of why, my answer made me realize… I told her, ‘Sometimes junk-food just isn’t enjoyable.’ It sure wasn’t, that night. It wasn’t because of the company, though. The brotherhood was always dear company. But the other demons and nightcrawlers that lurked that cuphouse? I wanted none of them. The carousels? They weren’t soothing me that night. The lunacy? My soul wasn’t crying for it, at all.

I can still feel it. I want something else, now. Nourishment.

Maybe because now I feel like growing something. Anything.

Maybe its because I’m more in tune with my own sense of light nowadays. Maybe because now I feel like growing something. Anything. And for me to grow what I will well, I need as much light as I can harness. That means taking care of my goodness as much as possible.

Tonight, I’ll be seeing Felix. Not a worry. I’ve got more than enough light to share with him. He requires my counsel in some matters. And I know what I’ll tell him will ease his soul.

Karim asked me for my company tonight. Poisons, he was keen on. I had to decline his offer. Firstly because I already promised my night to Felix. But secondly because of that change. My air. My spirit.. It didn’t crave the thought of sabotage. Not tonight, at least. I’m preserving my light for now. Maybe some night soon I’ll have a hunger for the good ol’ toxins. A warrior always needs some medicine. I hope Karim isn’t upset.

As usual, Valentina spends her time with me. And today, she teased the thought of some cups. I couldn’t allow it. Not only for her sake, but for mine as well. I’ve been trying to dissociate our time together with revelries. It’s been flowing well for now. I don’t want her to see me as a means to be careless. I’m trying to bring her out of the darkness, for goodness sake. I hope it’s been working. Her focuses have been becoming more positive. At least around me they have. But when I’m not about… Well, it is her own life. At least she’s found herself a new suitor to occupy her time. It makes things for me easier. I hope.

But now there’s a problem. I can sense it. Feel it. Within myself. I’m spending too much time with her. Far too much time. And I’m getting too comfortable with it. Not good. Sure, I want to be the goodness in her life. But I’m getting too accustomed to having her by my side. I’m getting much too used to it. I can’t depend on that. I shouldn’t depend on that. I mustn’t. I hope my unintentional distancing habits help to deter her from reaching out to me too often. I hope. And this new suiter, I hope he keeps her busy enough. Because I noticed something magical about her the other day. Something in her spirit. And that, as wonderous as it was, is warning me to wake up. A man must be strong. On his own. I cannot allow myself to depend on such grace. It almost ruined me the last time I poured my faith upon it. You should know all about that, my darling.

Reducing my self-sabotage. Reducing my dependencies. Or am I jumping to extremes again? Who knows?

But lucky for me, the air has been changing. My concerns are about my light. These matters are in my hands. Reducing my self-sabotage. Reducing my dependencies. Or am I jumping to extremes again? Who knows? I’m wise enough to allow life to flow and see where the rivers go. But I know, something in me is different.

My values. I’m looking for growth.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy