19:54   15/01/2021

To my…

Last night, I lurked the valleys of fate. No. Not to tamper with the strings that Destiny has shackled upon me. At least not for now… Damned Destiny! Oh, how she irritates me, lately.

An art I had forsaken long ago. And for good reason too.

But last night, I strolled the forbidden grounds, investigating what lay ahead for another’s journey. Fate Reading. A foolish idea! An art I had forsaken long ago. And for good reason too. I shouldn’t have let myself read such threads. My mind, it does not bear such answers very well. Whether the fate I read was my own or another’s, just the acknowledgement of its mechanisms at play shakes my worlds in a way I’ll never grow comfortable with. I shouldn’t have let myself wander curiously, back into such puzzling realms. To read fate. We mortals should never even fathom the thought. When left in the wrong hands, the results…

I can feel it. What it has done to me. Disruption.

Yesterday, I was gliding along the flows of Life. Enjoying wherever I was floating. No longer. I’m no longer steady. No longer afloat. If I don’t do anything soon, I might sink. I am sinking. So now, I must swim.

I had forgotten. For that lovely short while. I had forgotten.

I’m aware of what I must do. I wish I didn’t know. Damned fate readings! It was blissful for a moment. For that short while. But now my ignorance has expired. And Fate. It has reminded me of the challenge ahead. Independence. I had forgotten. For that lovely short while. I had forgotten. That I am to face these worlds all alone. By myself. Fate readings or not. I had forgotten.

It doesn’t feel good. This swim. This attempt of isolation. I had already gotten used to having someone by my side. I must change that sense of comfort. Soon! Before it destroys me again. I can already feel the destruction. The ache. I know. Because right now, my spirit seeks medicine.

The fate I read last night had a very clear and familiar outline. Almost too close to home. I was able to describe the phantasms I witnessed so easily.

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The construction of a new future, ahead.

The need for complete independence.

The period of re-evaluation required for this future.

The responsibilities that must be upheld and maintained.

The distribution of one’s goodness and light.

And the impending chaos that must be overcome once one’s goodness is in the hands of the outside worlds.

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Nonsense. I know. My mind agrees so. But my soul… It sees no strangers in these thoughts. In these imaginings. It accepts what has been told. The damned strange thing. My soul. My mind can only shake its head at such ‘visions’. And yet my soul still stands so sure and true. Why? This fate reading I performed. It wasn’t even my own.

Dancing in such forgotten domains got me curious. Did I dare delve into the straights of my own fate? It was too late! I had already found my way back to those realms. I needed only but have a peek…

What I saw… Just a glimpse. I still shake at the thought of it. I tremble now, as I write. The paths ahead of me, that I saw. They were mapped just the same as the other fate I had just read that night. It was clear why their fate seemed so easy to perceive. To understand. It was because my soul already knew.

My soul is so sure. And yet my mind isn’t convinced. Where does that leave my heart?

Not that it all matters. Does it? My mind doesn’t seem to think so. And that doesn’t help. My soul is so sure. And yet my mind isn’t convinced. Where does that leave my heart? Surely not with you, my darling. I can’t rely on what no longer exists. But either way, this turmoil within me. It’s not comfortable. At all. My spirit. It…

Am I truly supposed to be alone? This isolation is only feeding my madness.

I need something. Anything. To steer me towards somewhere. Anywhere. Because this conflict within me. Neither side is winning. And this attrition. It’s not getting any better.

Say ‘Hello’ once again, my darling. To madness.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy.

P.S

Let’s hope I survive the night