‘Should’. What a nasty word. A denial of reality, as some say.

17:58 02/04/2021

To…

My darling, I’m still confused. I don’t know what I should do, or where I should go.

‘Should’. What a nasty word. A denial of reality, as some say. I don’t think I should be using that word. Oh goodness. There I go again. Using such an unwelcomed word. Maybe I could say ‘am better off’? Oh, but that doesn’t roll off the tongue like the punchy ‘should’. It lacks the bite of the classic ‘should’ statements. What am I better off saying? -_-” How about ‘will’? It’s better than the latter, that’s for sure. But I feel a sense of urgency in its use. Is that what I’m avoiding? Prompt and urgency? Maybe I will say ‘will’. Let’s do it!

I don’t know what I will do, or where I will go.

It’s not as if I am in any true urgency to be somewhere, or doing something. Right? But you know Civilization, my darling. Always in hurry. Always ready to leave behind those who don’t keep up. That unspoken urgency usually doesn’t bother me at all. You know that about me, my darling. But something is different, in me. Maybe because I’m now slowly making my way to join the ranks of Civilization. A proper ‘civilian’ in other words. And yes. I’ve always been a civilian. But now I’m becoming proper.

Why doesn’t that seem exciting?

Makes me feel as if I’m pretending to be what I’m not. And for what? Appeal? Fuck.

This damned urgency of properness is pissing me off. Makes me feel as if I’m pretending to be what I’m not. And for what? Appeal? Fuck. When I think of it like that, of course it pisses me off. It just reminds me that for certain others out there, I wasn’t good enough. Fuck them! I’m best when I do things my way.

Hmmm

Please excuse these profain outburst. I’m just upset to remember those who’ve failed my trust. I will let go of such.

I think this letter has enough been enough.

Enough for me to remember that I should trust my own flow. That I should not do this proper little civil dance, to a tee. I should dance Life the way I know best. With flavour and fire I naturally express. I’m sure that should make me smile more.

No!

No. No. No.

Let me rephrase all that!

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I think this letter has enough been enough.

Enough for me to remember that I will trust my own flow. Enough that I will not do this proper little civil dance, to a tee. I will dance Life the way I know best. With flavour and fire I naturally express. I’m sure that will make me smile more.

That’s much better.

If you must ask about my confusion, maybe ‘confused’ was also the wrong word. Let us say ‘undecided’. I’m undecided on certain matters.

So yes, I just feel uncomfortable about starting from scratch. Going through old motions. Sailing old oceans.

I know I need to wear old uniform to earn the results I want. But a man is shy to wear such old threads. I already feel beyond such archaic performances. But then again, I did lose my old esteemed rank. So yes, I just feel uncomfortable about starting from scratch. Going through old motions. Sailing old oceans.

Motivation. That’s what this is about.

I need some.

Grant me strength, my darling. To armour me. For when I face my enemies.

I don’t want to talk anymore. This is all I’ll give you on the matter. For now. My crytpic nothings of my madness.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy

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P.S.

I’ve a new quill. Bone white, she is. Midnight violet, she bleeds upon the pages.

I’m sure you’ll love her dance, my darling. You’ve always loved such colours.