We’ve finally reconnected our flows. Dear Luna and I. I’m unsure of how long it had been since our flows began to part, but I must say that it felt like centuries. Too long for my liking. I wonder if Luna felt the same. Maybe she didn’t notice. That’s okay. I’m used to being the only one concerned about slight changes in rhythm, concerned abouy the very tunes that sway we who always offer ourselves.
And that’s the thing. We both didn’t do the old ballroom dance. We both preferred other means of excitement.
We were both due to the same ball. An occurrence not so common for us both. But we both had ties to the host family, so it was obvious we’d both receive our invitations. Obvious to the two of us, at least. We both hoped we would find one another that night. I’m sure of that. It had been too long since we had shared our dance. And that’s the thing. We both didn’t do the old ballroom dance. We both preferred other means of excitement. But that’s not the only reason why we hoped to find each other amongst the masses. It had just simply been too long.
I don’t think she knew I had decided to keep my distance from her. How could she notice? Our chapters together were sporadic and unpredictable. And I always had to make the approach. Well, that wouldn’t be the case anymore.
The last time we crossed paths wasn’t pleasant. She was upset. At me. She didn’t do well to hide it. She’ll never be able to hide something from me. My keen sight knew her too well. When she was happy. When she was annoyed. When she was calm. When she was uncomfortable. So no matter how much she’d tried to pretend that everything was okay, her energy told me otherwise. I wasn’t happy about that. Especially since, that day, I came to give her my time.
I don’t blame her. Trouble from the past wasn’t usually worth forgiving. And she didn’t have to.
I had been in the company of those she despised. Company I appreciated. But company she didn’t approve of. Company that you didn’t approve of either, my darling. But you understood the crowds I mingled. I didn’t know if she did. That’s why she was upset with me. I don’t blame her. Trouble from the past wasn’t usually worth forgiving. And she didn’t have to. But that company had been hospitable to me, lately. Looking after me when most others would not. How could I turn my back on that? She rarely gave me her time to rely on her. Barely anyone did. And yet this company was there. Did I have a choice?
You know this man needs company to keep his sanity, my darling. Being alone for too long does treacherous things to my soul. I wonder if you ever understood that detail about me, my darling. I can accept if you didn’t understand this idea. It’s the frailty of those who are abandoned. Funny. Because now I’m more certain that you never understood, my darling. After all, I’m still writing these letters to you.
The idea of me with these old troubles did not make her happy. I think she thought I was keeping it a secret from her. But actually, she just never paid attention to when I told her about my time with this company. Her disgust at the thought of them distracted her from when I had informed her. And so when someone else told her of who’d Id been with, her anger grew.
She asked me to forget about them. She even gave me a choice. Either stop my time with them, or never see her again. That was upsetting for me. I always tried hard to fit into her life, especially since Destiny didn’t seem to be helping the two of us anymore. But she lived her own life, with who she preferred. So it wasn’t easy to find where I’d fit in. But on the other hand, the old troubles always ‘made’ time for me. That was the difference that made her ultimatum frustrating. Luna was my favourite. Luna is my favourite. My sweet dear. But the others always actually made time for me. Was I supposed to be making this choice?
What made this more frustrating was that I was not sworn to Luna. Is that what she wanted? Because then it would make sense as to why she’d make me choose such a strange request. But me and her were not sworn. We were just partners for adventure. A pair who had the same love for the many things that the outside worlds had to offer. Anywhere new I’d love to see, she’d be the one I’d want beside me on my voyage. But did she always make time for me? She was always too busy with what she preferred. And I’d just have to hope Destiny would cross our paths. Hard hopes, they were. On the other hand, the others always made time for me. It didn’t make sense to give up on that.
That’s why I knew it wasn’t right to be faced with such a decision. Such a ruling of what I do with my life was something only my woman could decide. She’d not yet earned that right. Even if she was my favourite. She never set me as her man, nor herself as my woman. I knew where she was coming from, and she was likely concerned for my well-being, and my heart. But she was overstepping her position. I couldn’t allow that to continue. So I knew. Distance.
My life was my own. And to be the significant part of my life, or to have a say on what I do, one must earn their right.
It was sad choice for me to make. But it wasn’t healthy for me to allow someone who never committed to me, to have a choice of what I do. No matter how much I loved her, there were still rules to these matters. What do you think about this, my darling? My life was my own. And to be the significant part of my life, or to have a say on what I do, one must earn their right. So until then, anything or anyone trying to make decisions for me would only be seen as negativity I didn’t need. And so… Distance.
The thought of avoidance was painful for me. My heart ached. My soul sank. It was painful because I always knew if the time called, I would make sure I’d be there by her side. To protect her from the dangers of these cruel worlds. We were partners. Maybe more than that. She was always someone I looked forward to. So, to change my direction… Not an enjoyable taste. If Destiny would bring us together again, like she used to, then of course I’d take Luna’s hand and sail with her. But for now, my ship couldn’t sail to her. Not while she felt she had command of my ship.
And because of this, we were also the sort that got burned by those who didn’t appreciate what we offered.
Yesterday Luna told me that she was worried about her approach sometimes. That she was too hopeful of others to be there for her. That she didn’t want to feel too burdensome. My sweet girl. She didn’t know how much I understood her. That she and I were too alike. We were the sort that gave our all to those we held in our heart. The sort that would do all we could to ensure our loved ones were well. And because of this, we were also the sort that got burned by those who didn’t appreciate what we offered. That offering being our souls. I knew when she talked to me about this, she was worried about what I thought about her. Worried I’d leave her hurt. And that’s what was so painful to me. I was already reducing what we both had for each other.
She likely couldn’t see that I was, as much, trying to protect myself, as she was, as much, trying protect her own self. She couldn’t see that I had soo much for her, yet not enough, all because I feared the burn. She knows what she means to me, but likely gets confused when I’m not completely there. And I can’t say I haven’t felt the same with her. And so, we both end up sailing elsewhere. Alone. Hoping for others to make the most of us. And while we cruise the many waters, deep down inside our hearts, we just hope that Destiny will work her magic, and bring us back together again.
But it seems lately, that Destiny hasn’t been helping us. Maybe Destiny is fed up with my stubbornness, and Luna’s impatience. I don’t blame Destiny. I haven’t been making her work any easier. Has Luna been making it difficult as well? Maybe we can’t rely on Destiny’s grace, and have to go about things the way we’ve been trying lately. Strenuously.
This time, Destiny had nothing to do with rejoining our paths. I think. Hmm… Actually, I’m unsure about that, now that I think about it. Both of us invited to the ball? It’s not as if we both had put an effort in for that to happen. Hmm…
Escaping the mob was fun. Seeing the outside worlds together was even better. We never needed to ask that of each other.
Since we both knew of our attendance, Luna eventually made an effort to contact me. To confirm that I’d join her in her entrance. Of course I’d join her. She never had to ask me. We both just knew, deep down inside, that we had each other. She must have felt it so. But I think she was scared that our spirits were no longer in tune, especially after so long. Or maybe because damned Destiny was making everything so strenuous for us. No matter. Luna didn’t have to ask. Funnily enough, she also tried to hint to me that she may have needed to dine somewhere else later that night. Dine somewhere else, when we were attending a fully catered ball full of food and drink? Silly girl! That too, she never had to ask. I already planned to depart early. I already expected her to join me in what she and I did best. Escape the party and go off on our own adventures. I stopped her before she could even finish explaining her plans. And from there she knew we would both eventually be sailing out and about. Together. Escaping the mob was fun. Seeing the outside worlds together was even better. We never needed to ask that of each other.
Sadly, here we are again. Sailing other waters, avoiding the fire. Or in other words, avoiding each other. She needed me to help sort out some issues that night. Her impatience and my stubbornness wasn’t helping the situation. It stressed me out. I dont know she knew that I was always going to sort it all out, but only when I was ready, not right when she demanded. Demanding, as always. Dear Luna. Father above! She was not my woman! But it sure seemed like it. Frustrating.
Everything got sorted out, eventually. And she was grateful. But I had to let her know how troublesome it was for me. How much stress it gave me. I was damned tired! Tired of troubling myself for others. I’d done a lot of that lately. You would know all about that, wouldn’t you, my darling. I think from that, Luna realized what was happening again. Tension. It’s not that I wasn’t going to fix everything. Patience was all that was required. I think now, with the realization of the situation, she had decided to sail off again. Or maybe she could feel me slowly sail off too. Not that I wanted to. But now, this silly dance of ours continues.
Am I just too stubborn? Or am I the only one too invested in this romance? Let’s not call it that. I just wanted to enjoy Life with my favourite adventurer beside me. But now, I sail off again. Waiting for Destiny to do what she does for me and Luna. I wonder how many years it will be until then.
What do you think, my darling? Oh wait. I already know what you’re going to say. That I am too stubborn. You know all about that, don’t you, my darling. But what do you think of Luna? Of course you know of how adventurous she can be. I remember when you two would bloody escape the mob without me! Without me! Leaving me alone, stuck upon a boring port. How dare you two! But that’s not what I’m asking. What I mean is if Luna asks a bit too much of me. As my woman, how do you feel about this, my darling? Am I taking things out of context? Or should I just be catering to what she needs?
I am exhausted of being the Big Brother for us all.
I am exhausted of being the Big Brother for us all. Jill probably doesn’t realize that. Looking after you, Jill, and Jem, the other night, wasn’t exactly easy for me. I hope you lot keep out of trouble, my darling. Look at me, just stressing over Luna. Don’t make it any harder for me. Please guide Jill the right way for me.
I hope Luna and I don’t sail off too far. I hope she’ll understand where I am, at the moment. Spiritually. And I hope she isn’t too hard on herself. The sweet girl puts herself through a lot. And that’s why I’m there when she needs me. But will she be there when I need her? Who knows?
That’s the flaw of being great. There for all, even though all are never there.
I’m just glad she and I had a chance to enjoy our little dance again. Even if only for a short while.
Father above, I am tired.
Love from yours truly
-Daniel Roy
Diaries of the Moonlight Hours 