00:46   20/04/2021

To my…

Life has strange ways she goes about things. Or is it Time we are talking about here? The both of them, maybe? Or is it Destiny we must pay our attention to? Who knows. But one thing is clear. Their blessings do not favour us all. Not forever, it seems. Will we ever know of if we are still graced by their blessings or not? I wish I could say. But what I do know is that they did not shine upon an old friend of mine the other night. An old friend who I had happily reacquainted with recently. An old friend in whom I was looking forward to enjoying many more cups, songs, and warmths with, in the near future. Nevermore. A shame.

As if my mind is confident it can still change the outcome. Foolish thoughts.

I cannot help but feel guilty for his passing. Not that I actively and willingly aided to his demise. Not a chance. But I just feel that I could have made a difference. Deep down inside. Something tells me that I could have truly made a difference. How? I’ve no clue. Maybe this is just my means of not yet accepting that he is truly gone. As if my mind is confident it can still change the outcome. Foolish thoughts. Once somebody has left this reality, they’re never coming back.

So, what is this regret I feel inside?

When I think of them, I think of how much more I should have cherished my time with them. Of how I should have showed them my appreciation. Of how I could have made them look forward to another day. Of how I could have showed them how valuable they truly are.

Would that have made a difference? The problem at the moment is that I’m not even sure of how they passed away. But my heart fears the worst. Father above, I hope the hands involved in this tragedy do not belong to whom I fear they belong to. That will hurt. Truly.

I could have made a difference. But I’m not even aware of what happened. Still. I could have made a difference. But how could I have if I wasn’t aware. Still. I could have made the difference. That’s what my light does in such situations. Sustains life. And I thought I shared some. Did I share enough? Is that what would have made the difference? This passing happened so abruptly. Still…

Confusion. Regret. Frustration. Is this the turmoil of when somebody finally leaves?

I cannot say that this will be the first eulogy that I’ve ever had to sit. Songs for our Late are as familiar as food in the morning. A pity. But I must say that this is the first that has ever made me feel this way. It is not the tears of mourning that well within me. No. It is something different. I’m sure I said it just before. Frustration. That’s what this is. Because if I didn’t explain this before, then I must say I feel I had a responsibility.

Destiny has a way of tangling me into certain matters.

Our reacquaintance the other night, and the fact that we howled out to Eluna until she finally left the night sky, seemed an important occurrence. Almost as if I was supposed to meet my old friend again. Almost as if I was supposed to be the one to prevent his passing. Destiny has a way of tangling me into certain matters. Was this another one of her ploys?

My old friend.

The night we did reacquaint, I did feel he was telling me something. Or rather, I felt he was offering me something. His legacy? He made sure I found out about certain things. Things that didn’t matter so much to me, but things he valued. He shared with me how he danced through the nightlife, brushing away any obstacles as if they were nothing. He brought me to places and to folk he felt I should have known. And he told me about how he felt about his certain loved ones.

In all honesty, we voyaged through centuries of experiences, all in one night. I’ll never take that fact lightly. Especially now that he’s gone. Oh. Right. I must accept that fact now.

I’m sure we ventured through all of that because he appreciated my light. Because I reminded him that he held an incredibly pure and warm heart. I don’t care what others think. I’m sure nobody can disagree with me on that.

Maybe I’m looking into matters too deeply with this sudden news. He did share with me quite a lot. Personal thoughts and effects. Or was that just his warm hearted nature I always loved.

And within the underlying story before me, I saw the lessons. The jewels that Life leaves behind in every journey.

A great value he did share with me that night is something he likely didn’t expect to show. He never put forth any problems or dilemmas that he faced – maybe that was the problem – but unfortunately for him, I always saw beyond the surface. And within the underlying story before me, I saw the lessons. The jewels that Life leaves behind in every journey. I doubt his intentions were ever to show me such. I just happened to always be in tune to the acts on that stage.

He was bringing me into his world. Having me meet his folk. I’ve been enjoying the many new worlds I have journeyed into lately. But this time with him, I actually had an invitation. A privilege. I wonder if my welcome will still exist from now on. I’ve made my impressions. So if I’m not longer welcome where he eats – or where he used to eat – so be it. I will still honour him, regardless.

Yet another name for me to salute as I raise my cups. Those who’ve ever had the privilege to share a toast with me may wonder about that little thing I do. That slight pause, with my cup raised, just before I sink it. Now it seems that little ritual will take a little longer.

The small effort to keep our loved ones alive.

Enough writing for now. Enough words on the matter.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy