16:12 11/05/2021

To my…

Maybe a man is tired… This role is tiring to the soul. Is it satisfying? I’m not even sure if I can remember anymore. All I get now is exhaustion.

So one may ask, why does a man continue to do what he does? Maybe I’ve forgotten the answer. Maybe this role has been embedded in my nature for so long that I’ve forgotten how to act otherwise. And what makes it even more painful is that many don’t even understand what I’m doing.

Unwanted service. The bitterness of duty. The burns from holding up the flame.

Father above. I am tired, my darling. This must be what it’s like to deal with me. Thank you for bearing with what you could. At least you found your way out, my darling. I hope your new ventures are more fulfilling. As for me? My journeys will never end. I’ll never give up on my loved ones, even if they give up on me.

Oh, it is just another day. One that is easy?

Do you know what the hardest part about being strong is? When everybody else thinks that you’re fine. That it’s easy to handle. Apparently it’s easy for me. Apparently it’s just another day for me. Apparently I’ll be fine on my own. Oh, it is just another day. One that is easy? I’ve seen better days before. Long before…

---

Do I look as if I’ve aged? You’ll have to ask the others, my darling. But it sure feels as if I have. To be a village elder can weigh a man down. But still, the role must be filled. Only few truly qualify. Even fewer are best suited to such duties. Do I have a choice. Of course. But my heart always seems to make the choice for me. And Home is where the Heart is.

You must have already heard, my darling. I know. My apologies. You see, I’m not exactly part of that world of yours anymore. You have all made well sure of that. But there I appear, after two long decades. And what I bear… Distasteful. Painful. Terrifying to your little world of ignorance. Do I dare shake you lambs with reality? You lot were once my loved ones. Once. Well, ‘she’ still is, at the least. I am still her brother. My vows cannot free me of that. And you, my darling? ‘Those oaths’ are nothing but trouble for me now. But of course, I never wish to disrupt that little dream world you all strive to create. Better that some at least find peace than none of us. But this dream is no excuse to ignore the truth. And as much as I wish you all peace and joy, this knight must remind you all of some truth.

Anybody can act. But an act becomes powerful once one takes complete responsibility.

Hiding from a problem will never make it better. That is the one thing that is learned, when a boy finally becomes a man. A lesson from Life, herself. Those who gain power know that lesson all too well. Everybody else just avoids those teachings. Responsibility, we call it in this day and age. Anybody can act. But an act becomes powerful once one takes complete responsibility.

Mistakes? It all depends on what lens one wears. And here, I’m not speaking about anyone in particular. Maybe I’m talking about all of us. Maybe… I’ll give you all peace for now, at the least.

But one thing is certain, a man is tired. Because responsibility is tiresome. And if truth be told, I cannot save everybody. And it seems, myself included, at the moment.

Some dears, some loved ones, and even some pure nobodies, are all asking that I save myself. Sort of hard when you’re tired. Harder when you don’t even know what’s worth it anymore.

---

Tell our dear little sister and brother that I still love them. And that I know centuries of apologies may not ever ease the pain I’ve caused. My heart feels it so. And so, a man will do what he can.

I hope you all speak well of me when the time for my prayers finally comes. I hope you speak well most of all, my darling. Even though I know you cannot. But do not worry. That time will never be soon. Destiny’s smile makes me sure of that.

Love from yours truly,

-Daniel Roy