To my only hope above,

This is frustrating. This life.

Can’t I do what I wish in peace?

I danced with ‘her’ again. As usual. Our dear Keeper of the Gate. Yes. I know. Leisures with her are unacceptable. I’m reminded everytime. As always. But the other night, our waltz was almost perfect. Almost a masterpiece.

Everyone is upset at me. Especially my loved ones. Well, of course they are. And that’s what’s frustrating. I wish they wouldn’t suddenly worry about what I did once my situation turned critical. How abrupt! Why couldn’t they just not care and not be involved like every other day? My life never mattered before. Why the fuck should they even try to act like they give a fuck now?

I hate this convenience of reaction. This sharing of meaningful emotion at appropriate situations. It is respectful, of course, at the appropriate times. And I honour the meer gesture of it all. We should always be honourable and share those small words when appropriate. But Father above, I loathe when folk use such moments as a time to speak as if their opinion was always of high priority, as if their word should have always been valued as important. How convenient… The sudden concerns. The sudden appreciations. Revolting! Such sentiments taste the worst when convenient. But I’ll just have to politely accept the cake, and give folk their moment of glory. For their sanity’s sake…

I do appreciate the sudden concerns and appreciations. I do. But no, I’m not too fond of their timeliness. I do appreciate it all. Let me repeat that again, before you get the idea that I don’t. It just breaks my heart that I only get all this at a time appropriate for everybody else. Makes me feel as if I shouldn’t have told anybody about anything. Because then everybody would have just acted normal. Unconcerned. Unappreciative. Just the way they’ve always been. Exactly what I’ve grown comfortable with.

Because truly, no one gives a shit about others. And if they do, I don’t see it. I don’t see the effort. Wait. Who’s out there for me again? I don’t ever recall any visitors. What a joke.

There are the few who have made an impact, though. Those who’s reactions to recent occurrences have touched my heart dearly. I feel horrible, even. Maybe because these few actually mean something to me. Maybe because they’re the reason I still keep myself alive and strong. And you should know, my darling, that there isn’t exactly many of these reasons anymore. But they’re all I’ve got, even if I actually haven’t got them at all.

I know it wasn’t easy for her. Of all the damned folk that could have made an effort to see me and spend time with me, the first one to see me was the one individual that would have found it most difficult to do so. She may not have even wanted to, since I always frustrated her deeply. But Luna was the first to actually make the effort to see me. My dear Luna. My sweet dame of the Moon. Luna. Father above. The only one I prayed to hopefully see. She truly came to check on me. Luna, herself. She put matters aside just for the small moment, and she saw me. I wish she knew how much that mattered to me. I wish she knew how much she mattered to me. I wish she knew how sorry I was and how sorry I still am. But she did her part. And now, she and I, again, we sail apart. Far apart. Unfortunately.

There’s only one thing that hurts more than turning around to watch Luna sail away.

To watch my dear little sister hold back her tears while she scolded me broke me to pieces. Her poor face… My dear… Ponyo is the only thing sacred I have left in these worlds. And I was hurting her. Just writing about this now is not exactly easy. I quiver. I sigh. I tear. I never wish her to suffer any pain. And yet, foolish me and my careless destruction was causing her grief. Father above, this is difficult for me. I’ve hurt Ponyo badly before. Regrets I cannot let go. Regrets that pain me still. And now I feel as if I’m doing it all over again.

What’s worse is that she’s read me deeper than I would’ve liked. My sweet little Ponyo. She’s figured me out. She knows what I’m doing. With Life. I never admitted it to her. But no matter how much I try to hide the truth, she knows me too well. That’s what’s even more painful for me. It’s too hard to lie to her. And it has now reminded me that I’m still connected to somebody.

That’s the most frustrating part. My link with my dear sister. I thought that after you finally left for heaven, my darling, and when others had eventually sailed away, that I was finally on my own. But I’m not. Ponyo is still about. And as long as she is, my attempts to leave this place will always hurt her. It’s not fair. Hurting her is the last thing I want. My heart still aches at the memory of her last night, trying her best not to cry while she reprimanded my foolish behaviour. I cannot bear the thought. But still, I cannot bear ‘this’ either. I feel stuck.

My single tie to these worlds seems to be enough, for now. For now. I wonder if you’ll ever fly back down and grace us all again, my darling. Should I keep waiting for that day? Because if you couldn’t already tell, it’s not easy for me. And a lot of the time I’ve been giving up. But I never want to see Ponyo in pain like that again. Father above, I cannot bear with that. I love her too much to make her suffer. So I’ll just have to bear with ‘this’ for now.

Find strength to armour me, my darling.

Love from yours truly

-Daniel Roy