The other night I decided to see if I could maybe salvage an almost-relationship.
Silly of me. I know. The sinking ship was already halfway down in the water when I first met her.
And, in all my attempts to sail her back up to the surface – hopes that we could start our journey together – she never once tried to keep afloat.

She actually left me stranded, all alone on a deserted island, one faithful day. And that’s when I knew I wouldn’t bother anymore.

After a few months, she reached out to me if I wanted to catch up.
I told her I was no longer interested after she stood me up.

I was confused as to why she was even reaching out. She never once took the hand I offered her, the hand to start our relationship. No matter how much I took her out, and brought us intimately close together, she’d always eventually push back and sink away. 
But she wanted to reconnect? Likely she was trying to see what she could further squeeze out of my generosity. Or did she finally want to try and sail together?

I again, made arrangements for us to meet.
She flaked out. Typical.
But the sad sucker that I am decided to see if she was still up to try. And so I lucky got a date.

I’m sorry, my dear sweetheart. I don’t mean for you to read about what a loser I’ve become.
I’m alone in this darkness, and Im picking at any scraps I can find.

Unfortunately, the universe had to remind me what I was dealing with.
We had lunch. We had a drink. And eventually, we had a talk.

I lost more interest in her because when I wanted to talk about what went wrong…

There is just too much senseless crap to go through.
Let me just throw all this ink out onto the page.
Don’t mind the mess I make!

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1.
– she said I’m causing a problem by talking about what made me unhappy,

-which was how she ditched me after she knew I travelled all the way to see her at the usual time and place we meet, that being at my bar on Tuesday afternoon at 1pm because thats when she finishes her class,

-she never confirmed if she wanted to come, she only said we’ll see,

-which I took as her normal response because she never liked to take responsibility of much actions. I found I always had to suggest something ans move it forward just so that things actually happen. She was always passive and never wanted to state or claim any responsibility of any plans, which I understand as a cowardice mindset that keeps fearful people safe from “being the one responsibile”. It allows them to say “It wasn’t my idea”, or “I never said I wanted this”.

-thus, when she left me all alone waiting for her, her excuse was that she never agreed to meet with me, and sometimes would state because she was too tired, or that she told me not to come.

Unfortunately, she never said no, as she never does.

And unfortunately, even though she said was too tired to meet up with me, I found out after calling her, because I had been waiting several hours, that she was instead out shopping with her male class mate (whom I know she has friendzoned). Her actions did not match accordingly to her reason for being too tired.

2.
She said I furthered the  problems because I stopped talking to her, when she felt that I should have discussed the problem with her at first when it happened.

Before the day, I had already had her reject my offers to further our relationship, reject getting closer, and further discover that she wished to only stay friends so that we could still going out and party together. So when she stood me up that day, her rejections were clear, and it was obvious from that point on, that the relationship would only involve me providing for her on her terms. A thing to note is that she had never provided anything to me or tried to host anythjng occasion for us at all. All she did was enjoy the free festivities I had to offer.

-She mentioned several times that the problem happened months ago. And so she claims that is too late to discuss now because time had already passed, and that I should just get over it and stop bringing up the past.

-She also supplemented her point with the fact the said she already said sorry, and I made it worse because I only replied “okay” to her sorry. She mentioned she said sorry mulitple times, in which I could only understand as her implying that her one digitally messaged “Sorry” had already absolved her of any further responsibility.

-When I asked her if she thought her sorry meant she was no longer in the wrong, she deterred my query by saying I was further prolonging the problem because she had already said sorry.

My ambitions were to ask her if she wanted to work things out and maybe try to start a relationship one more time, but she replied with the statement that I am bringing up the past and that I should move on already. When I responded by saying that I don’t like to sweep things to the side and pretend they dont exist anymore, she responded telling me she had already said sorry. Not that she was sorry right then and there, but that she had already said sorry in the past.

-I found her arguements of, not having discussed anything immeadiately, simply forgetting what happened in the past because two months had already passed, and also the idea of having to only say the words “sorry” as complete absolution, untasteful.

3.
She continually tried to tell me that my behaviour of providing and offer was wrong, and that I should never offer much to other people because I would get upset when they did not reciprocate the efforts.

– she repeatedly said I am wrong for being upset that other didnt reciprocate my efforts, and that it was my fault for offering in the first place.

I agreed that it was my fault in the first place. But then she continued to persist that I am wrong for being unhappy of the lack of reciprocation.

She kept trying to impose that point that I am wrong for being upset. I told her that I am upset at myself as much as at the others, and that ultimately I was upset at myself, but was also grateful to be upset at the situation because it clarified to me that I was investing my time and energy in the wrong people. And so by being upset at those who would not at least try to provide me some time and energy back, I could use the irritation as a reminder of who the wrong people are for my goals.

She continued by stating that this was all wrong, that I shouldn’t do things in such a way, and that it was always wrong to give others 100%.

I told her I give 100% because that’s who I am, and she told me that that was wrong.

I found her stance on this ideas as a way for her to further justify her inconsideration and again absolve her of any true responsibility so she never had to feel that she did anything wrong.

She insisted to state that my behaviour was what was wrong, which strangely came off as a way for her to justify any wrong doing that she may have done. I understood then that she knew I was unhappy at her lack of overall reciprocatation. And so she likely wished to absolve herself of any guilt of knowing that she wronged someone who only did good things for her by instead claiming that they were the ones who were wrong.

This is a typical fear driven, victim, and narcissistic behaviour – to frame the other party as the problem so that they would feel wrongfully accused of being unjust. Her gaslighting of how I was causing problems spoke that enough.

4.
The strangest thing I found during our discussion was that she was framing herself as the victim and was the one being hurt. This was strange to me because she never showed me her affection, always rejected my offers of love, pushed me away whenever we began to get intimate, and gave me all the signs that she did not want to build an intimate relationship. The final straw in all of her numerous rejections was that final day when she stood me up the day she knew I traveled to the city to see her.

I knew it was no longer healthy for me to be treated poorly.

Of course I had nothing left to talk about with her.
She had already closed all conversations we had.
But because I stopped communicating with her after that, now she was the victim?

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It was strange to hear her talk like she wanted a relationship with me the whole time, and that I ruined all our chances.

Yes. Apparently I ruined our chances. The one person making all the effort to trying to bring our relationship together and only needed the other party to take my hand and join me, was apparently the one who ruined our chances…

She never tried to understand me. Not once. She never tried to understand us, or what we could become. Her concern was only that she never appeared to be wrong.

I know where my faults were. I was hoping the my encouraging and action-orientated ways would help convince her to build a lovely bond together. I was hoping that her accompaniment in whatever I organized for us meant she was willing to join me in contributing to a wonderful relationship. I was hoping that she wasn’t just enjoying the benefits of a man’s generosity with no intentions to fulfil her share. I was hoping all the warnings in front of me were not true.

Amusing.

She was right.

Oh, how wrong I truly was.

How responsibile I truly was for all that went south.

There was nothing to compromise.

How could there be a compromise if only one of us was wrong?

What a strange world I have to try and survive.
I think it best not to bother with someone so manipulative and selfish, who tried their best to not be responsible for any happenings so that they can apparently say that they are “not at fault”.

This is one of many wonderful experiences I’ve had the pain of enjoying in the modern dating world of the 21st century.