The strange internal inhibition to stop me from acting out my emotions is a troublesome notion.

It keeps me safe in the face of civilization. Safe so that I do not perform actions that are considered criminal, thus preserving a positive stance within the civil world.
But spiritually, I also inhibit many desires I know would ease my mind that may not even be considered criminal.
It is a sense of fear I speak of, a fear to be my complete self.

I see potential relationships I wish to create, but poor past experiences inhibit me. That, with the added risk of ridicule or false accusations, stops me from ever allowing myself to authentically connect with another.

I speak of my fear of connection because I see a pattern before me. At this very moment, an obnoxious scum roams around me and the innocent public, making bystanders uncomfortable in its wake. A deep desire within me to physically end this scum’s reign violently roars behind the bars of my mind’s cage. But this cage is also the sanctuary I built to keep me safe from yet another severed tie.

It feels completely correct to kill such individuals and rid this physical reality of their existence. But wisdom shows me where I would soon arrive within this realm of civilization if I were to exact my sense of justice. Justice… A concept that barely lives up to its name, so long as we abide to the constructs of this convential realm. Imprisonment for the sake of security. But that is another discussion for another day.

At the moment, I’m doing everything in my will power to not end the wrath of the wicked, all so that I can further enjoy the luxuries of civilization. And this internal inhibition grows leisurely in all the means to keep me safe, but also in all the means to keep me stifled.

I want to do so many things. And yet so many things are considered unacceptable. Is it wisdom or fear that dubs Desire as Temptation? It all depends on the context, correct? But I tell you this, the variance of settings do not change the fact that each of these closed doors all feel like the exact same prison.

My spirit has become so accustomed to shutting so many doors that it will shut another in a heartbeat, whether I wanted to or not. The habit has become unhealthy, and my light falls dimmer with every step along my timeline. This demon within must be stopped. But at what cost?

The clear road to freedom has always been obvious. But why must it possess such a heavy cost? Or does the slow burn and ache of comfort truly equate to the drastic pain of change. This is where a war general must deliberate where he will choose to fight his next battles. If we are to slay this demon, we must decide if we are going to rid of him with one final risky blow, or slowly cripple him where he least expects it, just as the demon has crippled me.

Desperation demands immediate eradication regardless of the costs, but Wisdom ask otherwise to preserve the safety of the coventional life. Or is that Fear we speak of? But Fear is not exactly wrong. Fear does not wish for us to suffer in damnation. And yet I feel damnation grow around me the more Fear prevails. How can we enfeeble this sense of fear within? Where shall I first risk myself?

It seems that whether I like it or not, I must suffer in someway for a true change, or drown in the agony of stagnation.

Shall I quit this job and suffer poverty so that I no longer have to situate myself in the low vibrational environments that the duties preserve, whilst also finally granting me the free time to exercise my arts?

Shall I continue creating my arts even though there is no audience to enjoy my works, and therefore no finacial income or benefit for all the time and energy invested, even though it feels fulfilling to create?

Shall I kill the next annoying junkie who bothers me and the general public with their perverse anctics to finally gratify my sense of justice I used to freely exercise whilst I lived hell, but unfortunately face imprisonment and all ills that run rife from all the low vibrational imbecilic inhabitants?

Shall I allow myself to engage more openly with females again, and allow myself the opportunities to finally build relationships again whilst I unfortunately offer my heart too easily to anyone who gives me the slightest ounce of attention because I hope that my offers of love will be reciprocated, even though life has shown me time and time again that others do not treat me as if I am worthy of their love and therefore I am left wounded and alone, blindly hoping that the next attempt turns out better?

Shall I start to drink my cups again and conveniently rid myself of my common fears, even though I had finally stop myself from enjoy the poisons because the poisons are what always caused me to ruin my life and what I love?

Shall I turn back to the old revelries and enjoy mindless hedonism so that I am open to baseless connections of insatiable primal desires that leave lacking true fulfillment but at least temporarily fill my voids within that I so desperately wish to relieve?

Shall I leave myself open to those of my past who have drained me of my light because even though I allow myself to serve and please them, they at least make me feel that I am somewhat desireable?

There are countless fears I can continue to address. And as I skim through these silly thoughts, some may seem silly, and some may seem admirable. But the inhibitions still all feel as if they are to be enforced the same hand. It is confusing.

The same protective force, preventing my further sabotage of the self, is also coddling me into cowardice where I do not wish for it to.

I may have taken too many steps back. I must remember how to step forward.

Baby steps, at the least.

Where will I make this first step forward?

I must make it now.

I already feel myself taking my next step backward. This direction must change immediately.

A small step. Any step. Immediately.

I don’t know where, what, or how.
But wish me luck.

This fear is making me sick of my own reflection. It is time to ripple the water and refashion this image before I make another grave mistake.