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To whatever Angel is still out there,

Are my people supposed to be those in whom share similar enjoyments, qualities, and aspirations with, or are they those who have been with me from the first start, like family and old friends?

I’ve been having trouble with this idea because I always feel alone. And whenever I try to connect with those around me through means that truly interest me, there is always a disconnect/discord, and I always end up having to cater to other’s preferences. E.g playing music I like that everybody else begins to reveal they are not enjoying, and so having to change the music.

Also, when I try to connect with new people with similar interests or aspirations, it is always difficult to enjoy those people and their presence for who they are, leaving me feeling disconnected to them and feeling as if they are not the type of people I enjoy being around even though we clearly shared similar interests.

Last night, I tried to play a boardgame I enjoy with my current closests friend. The boardgame requires a lot of attention to learn the vast amount of details involved in its play. My friend and I also decided to broadcast our play on the internet as he is connected with friends online whom he broadcasts their videogame play with.

As I tried to teach him the game, my friend’s attention lingered away quickly and he was more concerned with entertaining his online viewers and friends than trying to understand the boardgame. It became obvious I would not successfully teach him the game.

We tried to play through the game at the start, going through the steps in order for him to learn how the game operated. But as some complicated parts arose, he immediately disengaged and grabbed a jenga blocks set instead and put it before us, announcing his refusal to continue my boardgame and play something more basic.

I understand there is a learning curve invovled in boardgames I like, and that I cannot expect common folk to be interested in learning such games. The complexity of these systems is one of the things that attract me to such boardgames as I feel greatly rewarded once I understand and flow effortlessly with the game. I understand that challenge may not appeal to most people, and I had a feeling my friend would not find interest in learning the game unless their was some sort of external reward, like material incentive or social appeal. I took this risk in tryjng to introduce him to the game anyway, given I trust his capability to learn such a boardgame. It did not work out favourbly.

I felt isolated and alone throughout the rest of our gameplay of Jenga. I immersed myself and enjoyed the play as much as I could, but the whole time, I could not shake the feeling of yet another social rejection.

I once tried to get people to play Dungeons and Dragons with me. For my 35th birthday, I invited the friends who I was close with at that current time over to my house to play. There were big differences in human qualities I anticipated may hinder successful play of our game. The gameplay fell apart quickly. Not a major problem because I knew people may not enjoy such games. But yet, another experience of disconnection. It wasn’t the first or only time. I had already become accustomed to having different interests to everyone around me since I was young.

I’m part of a muay thai club because I enjoy the sport. I find it difficult to want to socialize and build strong personal relationships with my club mates. I’ve tried many times.

I had one friend I connected well with at muay thai many years ago. But she moved back overseas soon after we grew closer.

I’m pursuing acting as a new hobby/career, and I find the same disinterest in connecting with the peers I meet along the way. I try very hard to connect and build relationships with my acting peers, but I never find myself enjoying their company. It always feels like a chore for the sake of networking and building my social circle rather genuine interest and harmony in those relationships. And the honesty within myself cannot push myself to further bond with people after several unenjoyable experiences. I find myself saying, “I guess they’re just not my cup of tea. I will eventually meet those who align with me.”

I’ve been saying that to myself for a very long while. Most of my life, to be honest. It honestly feels like a lie now. A false promise a governing body tells the populace to keep them from revolting. The inner populace within me is tired of the unfulfilled promises. I’m tired of feeling like my heart needs to stay small. It doesnt feel healthy. But what can I do? I am literally not finding the companionship I seek. No matter where or when I seek.

Whenever I finally do feel connect to another, it is often rare and short lived. Life has a strange way to make these bonds break apart for various reasons. And all I’m left to do is repractice my sense of gratitude for what I still have in life, because I at least still have something. I’m always flying back to the nest that I know keeps me starved because it’s all I have to return to when another ship sails away.

Am I just not appreciating everything I have? I’ve discussed this idea with myself ever since I was a young boy. It’s the tactic I have to use whenever I’m feeling alone. Convince myself that I am lucky in all other matters of life, and to appreciate my good fortune, even though I feel empty inside. Disconnected, rather. I acknowledge my great fortune in life. I am not suffering Life like so many others are out there. I am only feeling alone because I don’t feel like my soul is being witnessed. But that’s okay. At least I have a good life.

Maybe that’s the problem with having experienced a deep love before. Once you’ve been seen and experienced at your true essence, every other relationship feels weak. How foolish to want treasure one more time. I’ve already experienced love once. It’s better I appreciate having felt it before, than having never known its truth.

I am lucky. I have a good life. And I will find connection that makes me feel aligned and seen.
Because that is just what happens when you’re blessed. Right? I am blessed.